Dear Sweet Jordan~~~

November 17, 2008.

Dear Sweet Jordan,

thirty years ago today, I ended your life. It grieves my heart still to know that I did that. You are so precious to me now. I can say I wish all I want but nothing will bring you back.

Today the weather is very cold, 34 degrees. That day, it was not as cold as I remember. I don't think I wore a coat and I seem to recall the sun was shining so everything was warm. Except, of course, the rooms in the Family Planning Clinic.

In the waiting room, I was sitting next to a young woman a little older than me. She was visibly pregnant and I wondered why she was there. She told me she was a teacher and one of her students had kicked her in the stomach. She was beginning to miscarry and so she had come to finish the job.

My mother, your grandmother, was there with me and she was not comfortable and a little fidgety. I was in a kind of stupor or fog. Not really comprehending what I was about to do. I truly did not understand the horror of what was about to happen to you.

I am so sorry. I know you hurt and I allowed the doctor to cause you such pain. I know you have forgiven me. It is just hard to think about. But today is my day to relive your pain and to give you honor in the sacrifice you made for me. Thank you so much.

I am not mad at your daddy anymore. I am not sure I ever was, even though he never believed you existed. He had so much pain inside of him, he really didn't know which end was up. When I told him about you, Jordan, I could hear the sorrow in his voice as he said he was sorry. I know you forgive him, I do too.

You would really like your new daddy. He is kind and strong and is taking good care of me. You would like him and he would love you so much. Someday you will be with him in heaven. He is a wonderful man.

Yesterday, in church we sang How Great Thou Art. That song was taught to me by your great-grandmother when I was six or seven. Everytime we sing it, I feel your great-grandmother's arms. I just know you are with her. I really think your great aunt Luella is with you too. She came to grandma in a dream and told her she had a baby. Grandma told me the story and she said she thought it was you that Aunt Luella was talking about. In my mind, my grandma and Aunt Luella are taking turns loving on you! So, yesterday, when we sang the song, I felt you there too, Jordan. I love you so much.

Today, Richard and I are going to the church to light a candle in honor of you. We are going to stay and say a rosary for you too and for all the children you know who have had their lives ended before they began.

On December 6, I will be assisting the facilitators at Raphael's Way. Jordan, please ask Jesus to send the people who are ready for His touch and reconciliation. I am dedicating this particular retreat to you. I pray I do a good job in sharing your love.

Jordan, I could spend time lamenting all we have lost together. But somehow it doesn't seem appropriate. I will say, I love you with all my heart and I cannot wait to hold you.

Please pray for me and for all the women who are considering ending their children's lives through abortion.

I love you always,

Mom

Expectations Too Low

Can you risk the hope that God still has dreams for your life or that He hasn't forgotten you?

I have told God not to make me any more promises before. I am getting older and there are so many things that I would have liked to have seen or done in my life. And I have to admit, sometimes I get angry at God and wonder why I have these hopes and dreams if He is not going to fulfill them.

One of those dreams has always been to be a mom. I love children so much and I want so much to have children of my own.

God gave me that opportunity many years ago, but because of life's circumstances and my own fears I aborted that blessing. It was my decision ultimately but one made out of duress. If I could take it back, knowing what I know now, I would in a heartbeat. So now my child is in my Heavenly Father's care. Jordan Keeley is her name and I love her with all my heart.

Then I tried to make the dream come true by adopting 3 children, all full siblings, very close in age. After 2 years of love and care and psychiatrists, and doctors, and therapists, I was spent. I became physically and emotionally ill. And the final outcome was to reliquish them back to the custody of the state. This is another story that needs to be told soon, but suffice it to say trying to make things happen is not a good thing.

Just one dream of mine that I feel like I cannot risk hoping for anymore.

Lately, I was talking to the Lord about this particular dream and He told me something very precious. Every child, whose life I have touched, has been my child. I am a spiritual mother to myriads of children! What a blessing!

I am a teacher, tutor, catechist, friend, aunt...and all those children are mine spiritually. What a joy! How much better is that than just having one or two biological children? Not that I wouldn't still love to have a biological child but ... I have more children now than I could ever physically have!

So He answered that dream in a way that I wasn't expecting but that is really more fulfilling. What a GREAT Father I have! He thinks in so much broader terms than I do with my finite mind. So hope? Yes, I still hope. Think I have been forgotten or forsaken? Only when I don't see what my Abba sees.