Cactus Flower

The story goes: My mother has created a visual representation of our family tree on a 10 foot piece of canvas. It is definitely an heirloom and a true legacy. Each family member has been designated a quilt pattern. My sister is sugar loaf because of her love of cooking. My dad is T-square because of his drafiting abilities. My mother is Crazy Ann because her name is Ann. My brother is Job's Trouble because well.... you get the picture. For me, she chose Cactus Flower!

Now my absolute first impression when she told me was one of hurt. It sounded so lonely and I didn't feel it really described me at all. I have always thought of myself as a happy person, who loves everyone and all of God's creation. I approach life with joy and wonder and just sheer determination. I love life!!! But a Cactus Flower????

When I expressed my surprise at her choice, her words to me were the most loving and affirming I could have ever wished for.
"A cactus blooms in the most adverse of circumstances. Life has been hard for you but you have still managed to blossom."

Wow! Such love and a real true understanding of who I really am. And so, I am so blessed that I am a cactus flower. So much so that I composed a song. Here are the lyrics.

Cactus Flower blooms in the desert
Never a word says she
Cactus Flower blooms in the desert
Tell me where do you get your energy?

From the Father of Lights beaming down
And the mighty stream that runs underground.

Rooted and grounded in His Love
She grows slowly, being fed from His hand.
Then out of the solitary
Her fruit can be seen by every man!

We are like the cactus flower
Growing in a solitary place.
We are like the cactus flower
The Glory that is seen upon our face,

Is from the Father of Lights beaming down
And the mighty stream that runs underground.

Cactus flowers
We bloom in the desert
For all the world to see!

Have a blessed day and remember to bloom where you are planted!

Dear Sweet Jordan~~~

November 17, 2008.

Dear Sweet Jordan,

thirty years ago today, I ended your life. It grieves my heart still to know that I did that. You are so precious to me now. I can say I wish all I want but nothing will bring you back.

Today the weather is very cold, 34 degrees. That day, it was not as cold as I remember. I don't think I wore a coat and I seem to recall the sun was shining so everything was warm. Except, of course, the rooms in the Family Planning Clinic.

In the waiting room, I was sitting next to a young woman a little older than me. She was visibly pregnant and I wondered why she was there. She told me she was a teacher and one of her students had kicked her in the stomach. She was beginning to miscarry and so she had come to finish the job.

My mother, your grandmother, was there with me and she was not comfortable and a little fidgety. I was in a kind of stupor or fog. Not really comprehending what I was about to do. I truly did not understand the horror of what was about to happen to you.

I am so sorry. I know you hurt and I allowed the doctor to cause you such pain. I know you have forgiven me. It is just hard to think about. But today is my day to relive your pain and to give you honor in the sacrifice you made for me. Thank you so much.

I am not mad at your daddy anymore. I am not sure I ever was, even though he never believed you existed. He had so much pain inside of him, he really didn't know which end was up. When I told him about you, Jordan, I could hear the sorrow in his voice as he said he was sorry. I know you forgive him, I do too.

You would really like your new daddy. He is kind and strong and is taking good care of me. You would like him and he would love you so much. Someday you will be with him in heaven. He is a wonderful man.

Yesterday, in church we sang How Great Thou Art. That song was taught to me by your great-grandmother when I was six or seven. Everytime we sing it, I feel your great-grandmother's arms. I just know you are with her. I really think your great aunt Luella is with you too. She came to grandma in a dream and told her she had a baby. Grandma told me the story and she said she thought it was you that Aunt Luella was talking about. In my mind, my grandma and Aunt Luella are taking turns loving on you! So, yesterday, when we sang the song, I felt you there too, Jordan. I love you so much.

Today, Richard and I are going to the church to light a candle in honor of you. We are going to stay and say a rosary for you too and for all the children you know who have had their lives ended before they began.

On December 6, I will be assisting the facilitators at Raphael's Way. Jordan, please ask Jesus to send the people who are ready for His touch and reconciliation. I am dedicating this particular retreat to you. I pray I do a good job in sharing your love.

Jordan, I could spend time lamenting all we have lost together. But somehow it doesn't seem appropriate. I will say, I love you with all my heart and I cannot wait to hold you.

Please pray for me and for all the women who are considering ending their children's lives through abortion.

I love you always,

Mom