Dear Sweet Jordan~~~

November 17, 2008.

Dear Sweet Jordan,

thirty years ago today, I ended your life. It grieves my heart still to know that I did that. You are so precious to me now. I can say I wish all I want but nothing will bring you back.

Today the weather is very cold, 34 degrees. That day, it was not as cold as I remember. I don't think I wore a coat and I seem to recall the sun was shining so everything was warm. Except, of course, the rooms in the Family Planning Clinic.

In the waiting room, I was sitting next to a young woman a little older than me. She was visibly pregnant and I wondered why she was there. She told me she was a teacher and one of her students had kicked her in the stomach. She was beginning to miscarry and so she had come to finish the job.

My mother, your grandmother, was there with me and she was not comfortable and a little fidgety. I was in a kind of stupor or fog. Not really comprehending what I was about to do. I truly did not understand the horror of what was about to happen to you.

I am so sorry. I know you hurt and I allowed the doctor to cause you such pain. I know you have forgiven me. It is just hard to think about. But today is my day to relive your pain and to give you honor in the sacrifice you made for me. Thank you so much.

I am not mad at your daddy anymore. I am not sure I ever was, even though he never believed you existed. He had so much pain inside of him, he really didn't know which end was up. When I told him about you, Jordan, I could hear the sorrow in his voice as he said he was sorry. I know you forgive him, I do too.

You would really like your new daddy. He is kind and strong and is taking good care of me. You would like him and he would love you so much. Someday you will be with him in heaven. He is a wonderful man.

Yesterday, in church we sang How Great Thou Art. That song was taught to me by your great-grandmother when I was six or seven. Everytime we sing it, I feel your great-grandmother's arms. I just know you are with her. I really think your great aunt Luella is with you too. She came to grandma in a dream and told her she had a baby. Grandma told me the story and she said she thought it was you that Aunt Luella was talking about. In my mind, my grandma and Aunt Luella are taking turns loving on you! So, yesterday, when we sang the song, I felt you there too, Jordan. I love you so much.

Today, Richard and I are going to the church to light a candle in honor of you. We are going to stay and say a rosary for you too and for all the children you know who have had their lives ended before they began.

On December 6, I will be assisting the facilitators at Raphael's Way. Jordan, please ask Jesus to send the people who are ready for His touch and reconciliation. I am dedicating this particular retreat to you. I pray I do a good job in sharing your love.

Jordan, I could spend time lamenting all we have lost together. But somehow it doesn't seem appropriate. I will say, I love you with all my heart and I cannot wait to hold you.

Please pray for me and for all the women who are considering ending their children's lives through abortion.

I love you always,

Mom

Remember Messiah is Born!

I thought about this yesterday...there are only 49 more days till Christmas.

I really enjoyed Christmas last year. We had a tree, and decorated the house, and we always have an advent wreath and share the devotionals on each of the Sundays in advent. Now I never did that as a child, but it was one of the traditions of my husband's family. It has now become one of ours as a couple. I love it!

My favorite part is getting new candles to put in the wreath. I love candles and have many placed strategically in my home. I don't light them always but they bring the light of Yeshua into my home and make everything warm and cozy.

I love decorating the house too. My husband loves the blue lights and so I let him decide where to put them, inside or out. Usually they are inside in the living room and we watch TV or eat or listen to music by the snowy moonlit glow. Just thinking about it gives me a fuzzy feeling.

Our focus last year was on the Holy Family and I would like to make it more so this year. I was given many Holy Family representations last year and now I have a wonderful collection started. Adding to that collection will be my goal this year.

I am so glad God became a Man and tabernacled among us. Thank you Yeshua! Thank you Blessed Miriam for saying "Yes" to the call of God. And Thank you, Yosef for providing for the blessed mother and child. HalleluYah! The Messiah is born!

Angels among us

Psalm 103:20 Bless Yahweh, all His angels, mighty warriors
who fulfill His commands, attentive to the SOUND of His Words!

I have been reminded lately of the Power in the Word of God. To be able to add my voice to the written word brings great power and peace to my heart. And according to the above scripture it is what causes the angels of God to move to accomplish HIS will, HIS Word!

I used to be very faithful about praying the Word, but have slacked off and lost the fervor of heart that I used to have. Thankfully, God has brought to me a group of women who love HIM and HIS Word. Their love and encouragement has brought a newfound zeal for the Word. I am so grateful that these precious women have given my soul the encouragement I needed to stand up, and stand firm in my beliefs.

And so I believe, they are some of the angels among us.

Expectations Too Low

Can you risk the hope that God still has dreams for your life or that He hasn't forgotten you?

I have told God not to make me any more promises before. I am getting older and there are so many things that I would have liked to have seen or done in my life. And I have to admit, sometimes I get angry at God and wonder why I have these hopes and dreams if He is not going to fulfill them.

One of those dreams has always been to be a mom. I love children so much and I want so much to have children of my own.

God gave me that opportunity many years ago, but because of life's circumstances and my own fears I aborted that blessing. It was my decision ultimately but one made out of duress. If I could take it back, knowing what I know now, I would in a heartbeat. So now my child is in my Heavenly Father's care. Jordan Keeley is her name and I love her with all my heart.

Then I tried to make the dream come true by adopting 3 children, all full siblings, very close in age. After 2 years of love and care and psychiatrists, and doctors, and therapists, I was spent. I became physically and emotionally ill. And the final outcome was to reliquish them back to the custody of the state. This is another story that needs to be told soon, but suffice it to say trying to make things happen is not a good thing.

Just one dream of mine that I feel like I cannot risk hoping for anymore.

Lately, I was talking to the Lord about this particular dream and He told me something very precious. Every child, whose life I have touched, has been my child. I am a spiritual mother to myriads of children! What a blessing!

I am a teacher, tutor, catechist, friend, aunt...and all those children are mine spiritually. What a joy! How much better is that than just having one or two biological children? Not that I wouldn't still love to have a biological child but ... I have more children now than I could ever physically have!

So He answered that dream in a way that I wasn't expecting but that is really more fulfilling. What a GREAT Father I have! He thinks in so much broader terms than I do with my finite mind. So hope? Yes, I still hope. Think I have been forgotten or forsaken? Only when I don't see what my Abba sees.

Outrageous Requests

Today I received a devotional that gave the following scenario:

Imagine you have just been informed that you have inherited a multi-level mansion equipped with every conceivable treasure. You run up the curving brick sidewalk, throw open the massive oak doors, and excitedly run from room to room hardly believing the good fortune bequeathed to you! However, what you discover are not the surroundings fit for a queen that you expected, but sensible chambers, adequately furnished and sparsely decorated.
In the foyer, a beautifully carved winding staircase, adorned with plush crimson carpet, beckons you to climb to the next level. You consider the steps, look back over your shoulder and decide, "Hey, the lower level's enough for me. Besides, I'm afraid of heights. I'll just stay down here where it's safe."
Unbeknownst to you, the upper levels house all the treasures intended to become your inheritance, and you're standing in the servants' quarters. Upstairs awaits a golden gilded ballroom, a chandeliered dining hall, four poster beds with down filled mattresses, a safe filled with enough gold and silver to last a lifetime, and a jewelry box brimming with family heirlooms.
All that stands between you and these treasures is the staircase. What keeps you on ground level - contentment with mediocrity, lack of knowledge, or a fear of the unknown?

I love the story but I don't think I fit into any of the questions as to why I would choose to stay at ground level. My first thought was contentment. But as I continued to read the other choices I didn't fit and was mildly offended by them. I guess there are people who would not go up the stairs because of fear, or simple ignorance. BUT what about simply humility and a lack of greed? What about being satisfied with the good bestowed?

Maybe I am fooling myself. I really didn't identify with a ballroom, four poster beds. The silver and gold ... that would be nice.

Personally, I would not like to live lavishly, but comfortably. And what's so bad about the servants quarters? After all, they are "sensible chambers, adequately furnished and sparsely decorated." Yeshua did not live outrageously but LARGE. There is a difference.

I think that this "wanting more'' mindset is worldly. We are to accept what God has for us and expect Him to give us what we NEED. And often enough, He gives us what we want because of His great love for us. We can ask for our wants even as little children, but we can count on our needs being met according to His riches in Glory.

And what would be His riches in Glory? Not gold or silver, chandeliered ballrooms, and four poster beds, but love, joy, peace, gentleness, goodness, kindness, faith, self-control, mercy, forgiveness, and eternal life!

So, my outrageous requests would be:
1. more real abiding peace in my soul
2. more of Him and less of me
3. those comfortable, adequate servant's quarters because that is what I am. While I am on this earth, I am His servant-daughter. When I stand before Him in Glory then...I will have all the riches of heaven.

I mean really! If I got everything I wanted here, what would I have to look forward to in Heaven?

I want it ALL

I once told God, "don't make me any more promises and I will never be disappointed." I was crying about something and thought God had not heard my prayers. So I told Him I would never ask HIM for anything again and for Him to keep His promises to Himself.

Ha! I was so naive! The promises of God are all in His Word and He can never take them back! He promises us, abundant joy, His resurrection, we are healed by the stripes that Yeshua bore in His body. We are promised, long life, prosperous days, a solid and sure future.

We are also promised persecution, trials, tribulation, weakness, suffering, pain, want, need ...

So often we forget the "bad" promises. We get angry with God because things are not going 'our way.' Or we find ourselves with some sort of sickness or grief. These too are promised by God. Without them, we would not become LIKE HIM!

People of the "WORD" culture, would make us believe that we can have anything we ask for. And although this is true, they neglect to remind us that the things we ask for come with a price. The greater the miracle the higher the price.

Yes, Yeshua paid our SIN debt, but everything else comes with dying to ourselves...which for most of us is a HIGH price to pay. We must accept God's will in EVERY circumstance to win the victory He has given us in Messiah.

BUT, oh how sweet the Victory, when we have shared in Messiah's suffering!

I forget, do you?

I was reminded by an email devotion this morning, that the universe does NOT revolve around me. There is a whole world that goes on around me. Other people and their lives that I don't know about. And yet...I am so arrogant to think that what happens to me matters to anyone else.

There is a heavenly realm that is active and moving and growing that I seldom really grasp. I am so temporal, thinking of only those things that are seen and most of the time forgetting the unseen world of the Spirit. Arrogant? Yes. Thankful and in awe when I am reminded? More than I can comprehend.

I have an atheist friend who doesn't believe a spiritual plane exists at all. Everything is science and logic. It makes me sad. I pray that the joy of knowing God will one day be part of this person's experience.

But what I am beginning to understand is that if I do not stop and take notice of the moving of the Spirit of God in and around me, my existance is no better than my friend's! Wow! That is an eyeopener!

So the challenge is to ask myself throughout the day, ''Am I acknowledging God's presence or am I running on human soul power?" Just taking the time to stop and say "Thank you Lord." That is evidence of my belief in a power greater than myself.

I sometimes forget to say 'thanks.' Do you?