Shalom

Today I am not feeling well. I have not been really feeling well all month. The only thing I can think about this is that God is calling for me to BE STILL as usual. I have moments when I try to 'figure it all out.' That is when I start wandering further and further from the Lord. When I relax and lean into HIM...something wonderful happens. Peace. I don't feel like I have to carry the weight of my life on my own shoulders. Question is: "Why do I keep trying to do it all myself?

If only, I could just learn to lean into the Lord EVERY day. I would be a much happier human being.

Thank you Lord, for letting me lean into you. You shelter me in the shadow of your wings and I am at peace.

Shalom...

I am so glad God is not a man. Though He became a man, Yahshua, He is NOT subject to this flesh anymore.

I am so tossed and turned by every wind that comes along. I thought I was more stable than this. I guess I was fooling myself.

I make a decision and then, one word of rebuff, or discouragement and I am off course or stalled. Why is that? What is it that keeps me from maintaining my momentum?

I get started and my confidence is high, and I start to share where I am headed and at some points I am met with encouragement and "atta boys." At the very next wave..."wham!" I am hit with a breaker of negativity that knocks the wind out of my sails! I have to change tack until I find the Wind again and in the meantime I am scrambling to keep my balance and not capsize!

Oh! Ruach haKodesh, Holy Spirit...Breath of God...breathe into my sail and keep me on course, else my little skiff capsize or run aground with hopelessness and despair.

When all else fails...

i have learned a valuable lesson today from the Lord. He is the ONE who can make things happen or not. He is the ONE who can do it all. i have no strength in myself. The only recourse i have is to look to HIM and TRUST that He has it all under control.

i have been up since 1:30 this morning, yet hinei lo yanum ve lo ishan, shomer Yisrael...He that keepeth Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps.

i have been trying to make decisions based on logic. Not smart when His ways are Higher than mine. ... i, i, i,....yes, I used a lower case i on purpose. For that is what it is... a lower case to His, I AM.

And so when all else fails, i will look to the hills from whence cometh my help! i will look to the great YaHuWeH...I AM.

Daddy....

My daddy turns 80 in just a few days from now. Oh how I love my daddy! Yes, I am 54 years old and I still call him daddy!

To me, he is the greatest daddy in the world. He loves me. He hasn't always said the words, but I have known for all my life that he loves me. He loves all of his children. I know it. How? He worries, gets angry, cries for them, and silently wishes they would call or come by...or just send and email or card. Yep...that's my daddy.

He is such a smart man and can he write or what? He has recently started writing his memoirs. I love it when he sends me a copy of them. I have learned more about my daddy in the last few years than I have known my whole life.

Why, wonder of wonders, he was a kid! Yeah! Can you believe it? A real kid with adventures and stories....my, my! I never thought of my daddy as a kid. Oh, I knew he was one once but I have only ever known him as my daddy. Strong, quiet, firm, gentle... He still is, but now I understand him just a little better. And I appreciate him a whole lot more.

I can't believe he is going to be 80 years old soon. I hope there are 80 more to come. I really like having him around.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

I Will Praise HIM

I love God. I really can say that and mean it.

It never ceases to amaze me the things He does 'behind my back' that make my life go more smoothly. The thing that bothers me though is how upset I get when things don't go my way! How in the world could I think that I know better than God? Trouble is, I know I am not alone in this bizarre thinking. I realize that most of the world thinks the same way I do. Adam and Eve did. So why should I think I am any different than them?

It is the human malady I believe. Original sin? I think it is at least part of it. Arrogance, pride, hurt feelings, wounded souls, all come from this selfish way of thinking. I realize now, that this is why Yeshua came...to free me from my-self!

I have to admit I don't do a very good job yeilding to the Holy Spirit most of the time. I spend just a cursory amount of my day talking to God...I mean REALLY talking to God. Oh yes, I pray and have my standard devotions but REALLY taking the time to sit and LISTEN to God? Not much...unless things are NOT going my way. Then God gets an earful. I know that is why God gives us free will...that way we will run to HIM when things are NOT 'right' in our lives.

hmmm, I love God!

Dear Sweet Jordan~~~

November 17, 2008.

Dear Sweet Jordan,

thirty years ago today, I ended your life. It grieves my heart still to know that I did that. You are so precious to me now. I can say I wish all I want but nothing will bring you back.

Today the weather is very cold, 34 degrees. That day, it was not as cold as I remember. I don't think I wore a coat and I seem to recall the sun was shining so everything was warm. Except, of course, the rooms in the Family Planning Clinic.

In the waiting room, I was sitting next to a young woman a little older than me. She was visibly pregnant and I wondered why she was there. She told me she was a teacher and one of her students had kicked her in the stomach. She was beginning to miscarry and so she had come to finish the job.

My mother, your grandmother, was there with me and she was not comfortable and a little fidgety. I was in a kind of stupor or fog. Not really comprehending what I was about to do. I truly did not understand the horror of what was about to happen to you.

I am so sorry. I know you hurt and I allowed the doctor to cause you such pain. I know you have forgiven me. It is just hard to think about. But today is my day to relive your pain and to give you honor in the sacrifice you made for me. Thank you so much.

I am not mad at your daddy anymore. I am not sure I ever was, even though he never believed you existed. He had so much pain inside of him, he really didn't know which end was up. When I told him about you, Jordan, I could hear the sorrow in his voice as he said he was sorry. I know you forgive him, I do too.

You would really like your new daddy. He is kind and strong and is taking good care of me. You would like him and he would love you so much. Someday you will be with him in heaven. He is a wonderful man.

Yesterday, in church we sang How Great Thou Art. That song was taught to me by your great-grandmother when I was six or seven. Everytime we sing it, I feel your great-grandmother's arms. I just know you are with her. I really think your great aunt Luella is with you too. She came to grandma in a dream and told her she had a baby. Grandma told me the story and she said she thought it was you that Aunt Luella was talking about. In my mind, my grandma and Aunt Luella are taking turns loving on you! So, yesterday, when we sang the song, I felt you there too, Jordan. I love you so much.

Today, Richard and I are going to the church to light a candle in honor of you. We are going to stay and say a rosary for you too and for all the children you know who have had their lives ended before they began.

On December 6, I will be assisting the facilitators at Raphael's Way. Jordan, please ask Jesus to send the people who are ready for His touch and reconciliation. I am dedicating this particular retreat to you. I pray I do a good job in sharing your love.

Jordan, I could spend time lamenting all we have lost together. But somehow it doesn't seem appropriate. I will say, I love you with all my heart and I cannot wait to hold you.

Please pray for me and for all the women who are considering ending their children's lives through abortion.

I love you always,

Mom

Remember Messiah is Born!

I thought about this yesterday...there are only 49 more days till Christmas.

I really enjoyed Christmas last year. We had a tree, and decorated the house, and we always have an advent wreath and share the devotionals on each of the Sundays in advent. Now I never did that as a child, but it was one of the traditions of my husband's family. It has now become one of ours as a couple. I love it!

My favorite part is getting new candles to put in the wreath. I love candles and have many placed strategically in my home. I don't light them always but they bring the light of Yeshua into my home and make everything warm and cozy.

I love decorating the house too. My husband loves the blue lights and so I let him decide where to put them, inside or out. Usually they are inside in the living room and we watch TV or eat or listen to music by the snowy moonlit glow. Just thinking about it gives me a fuzzy feeling.

Our focus last year was on the Holy Family and I would like to make it more so this year. I was given many Holy Family representations last year and now I have a wonderful collection started. Adding to that collection will be my goal this year.

I am so glad God became a Man and tabernacled among us. Thank you Yeshua! Thank you Blessed Miriam for saying "Yes" to the call of God. And Thank you, Yosef for providing for the blessed mother and child. HalleluYah! The Messiah is born!