Honestly

I don’t like conflict.  I guess no one really does.  But especially between people I love.  

Now, I don’t really mind if people disagree with me.  I used to but not anymore.  Everyone has to live their own lives and walk their own paths.  My path is definitely suited for me.  I don’t expect anyone to walk my journey.

What I don’t understand is why we human beings feel that we can direct someone else’s path?  I do it, and so does everyone else in my life.  It is not meant to be hurtful, it is just that we are all so utterly aware of our shortcomings that we try to make ourselves feel better by pointing out the frailties of those around us.  I don’t think it is a conscious thing.  I think we do it as a reflex.  I know that I feel it is much less painful to “help” someone else than to work on myself! :-)  

Lately, I am trying to be brutally honest with myself.  It is not easy and does not feel good.  And I am not saying that I am making any significant changes as a result.  BUT I am trying to confront the demons in my life.  

I am finding that they (the demons) are not as big and scary as I thought they were.  I may just have the courage to take them on head-to-head.  With the support and encouragement of those I love, I will be able to do that.  

I know that even writing this, some will find this offensive.  It really is not directed at anyone.  I am just thinking out loud.  Maybe I should keep my thoughts to myself.  I guess I could, but I want people to know that I struggle with this “finger-pointing” every day.  I do it, I know I do.  It is part of the brutally honest inventory that I am making.   I just want others to know… I am so sorry and I do not intend to hurt anyone.

I want to say, “Thank you.” Thank you for all the times you have been honest with me and I was offended.  It did me good.  Please, continue to be honest with me.  I need it.

Making the Best....

I feel like writing today but I don’t know what to write.  I have alot of things swirling around in my mind but they are just tidbits of several topics.  Not one real subject comes to the forefront.  So I guess that is why I have a headache.  Or maybe it is because I am trying to function without my glasses.  Well, whatever it is... it is making my head hurt.

I woke this morning ahead of the alarm clock.  I don’t really mind when that happens, it just makes my day longer.  I had alot of things on my mind even then and it occurred to me that I had been telling other people about my woes but had not taken them to the Almighty.  Phfttt.  Silly me!  He ultimately is my source and yet this one topic is something that I have never really put into His hands.  But it is the one thing that plagues me the most in my life.... MONEY.  

I hate money.  But all the “experts” say that we should love money so that it will come to us.  Yeah well, I have a hard time wrapping my head around that.  Money, to me is a necessary evil.  Meaning, you can’t live without it.  Of course, we all know that nothing is free, but wouldn’t it be a lot less worrisome if it were.  I mean really.  Most of all stresses in a marriage and in life in general revolve around money and our selfish desires.   We stress if we don’t have the money to buy the things that will give us pleasure.  And it is the same for me.  

I have enough money to sustain me.  Yes, it may not be the amount I want so that I can have all the comforts I want.  But on a pure sustenance level, I have enough.

When it gets stressful is when I want to do something, or eat somewhere special, or celebrate a special occasion and I don’t have the EXTRA finances to do ALL that I want....that is when I stress.  How silly of me! Even writing this down it sounds so crazy.  Why do I worry and fret over things that have nothing to do with my overall well-being?  Isn’t the Holy One and my relationship with Him enough?  That should be all that I desire.  Now of course, this is my opinion and in no way a reflection on anyone else’s beliefs.

We worship at a congregation that is a 2 hour drive, one-way, from our home.  We love our congregation and the High Holy Days are approaching.  Now this means, ideally, we would be going to our worship services multiple times and enjoying the service and fellowship more than just our usual twice a month.  BUT... we live too far away, the gas alone will be expensive and some of the services are night events and so that would either mean travelling home in the dark for 2 hours or spending money to stay in a hotel somewhere.  

We haven’t been going to this congregation for long enough to have established friendships that we would feel comfortable asking if we could stay with them overnight.  So... We will have to miss most of the gatherings.  Which is heartbreaking to me. I know God sees my heart and knows my desires but “I” want to do what “I” want to do...and financially it is just not feasible.  

So, am I pouting?  Yes, I guess I am.  Ugh!  I hate when I act like a spoiled brat.  I am so grateful that the Holy One (Blessed be He!) is so forgiving and kind and really wants to be a Father to us.

I will look for ways to make all this happen but for right now I just have to be patient and realize that I am not in charge...never have been and never will be.  I am so glad I am not, really... I am thankful that the King of the Universe loves me and counts me as His daughter.  Yep, my mother used to remind me.... “You are a daughter of the King.”    

So, perhaps instead of grousing.. I should find ways that I can bring the feast days into my home!  Now that is an endeavor that I will take to heart.  I better get busy... I only have a few more days!  Yikes! :-)

I will keep you apprised of what I find out... Maybe even with pictures or video.

Shalom!

Day 1 - Do you...?

Ask yourself: Do you believe that self-transformation is truly possible? Do you want to change?  Are you prepared to resolve to do so?

The above questions come from a 60 Day devotional that I receive in my email.  The 60 Days are in preparation and celebration of the upcoming Jewish High Holy Days.  The first 30 days are days of repentance and returning to the Lord in order to truly appreciate the celebration of the Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and Sukkot.  I am a little behind in the devotionals, but I think beginning today is fortuitous.

Today I begin my health reboot.  It is a 10 day "program" of both raw and cooked vegetables and fruits along with "smoothies" or "juices" to be included throughout the day. Now I have done this before and then at the 'end' of the prescribed time, promptly returned to my old ways of eating.  

So, in answer to the questions above: 
I do believe transformation is possible.  I believe that with the sacredness of these 60 Days that I will have a little extra help from above to make a true transformation.

I do want to change.  I want to change the way I live, the way I relate to others, the way I approach life in general.  I want to change my health and I want to basically LIVE.

Am I prepared to resolve to do all of this transforming?  I can only say that I am as prepared today FOR TODAY as I can be.  I know that I resolve to make tomorrow better than today as well.  So, yes, I would have to say I am prepared to resolve to make this transformation.  

As the days go on, I will continue to update my progress.  I will record both the good and the not-so-good.  I don't want to call it "bad," because I don't believe mis-steps in a process are "bad."  They are simply, bumps in the road to the goal.  I pray there are few bumps and mostly smooth sailing from here.  

Shalom for today.

Courage to Change

A third round of antibiotics!  NOT good.  So tired of being tired.  The doctor took a look at the wound on my breast and said..."Nope, that should be completely gone by now."

Frankly, I agree with her.  I don't want to go to that dark place of "what if?"  So I am trying to think positively.  I actually am not making a judgement at all.  

It is times like these when I KNOW I am not in control.  I have to depend on the Almighty and Eternal One to see me through whatever comes.  I know He loves me and only wants the best for me.  It is ME that is the problem.  

I realize that I have not been good to my body at all.  I have abused it horribly with food and lack of exercise.  This is what I have sown and so I must reap that which I have sown.  I must depend upon His mercy for forgiveness and His grace to face the consequences of my actions with courage and dependence on Him.  

The prayer I find myself saying is the Serenity Prayer.  Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

So, there are going to be some changes made.  Stay tuned.