I Will Praise HIM

I love God. I really can say that and mean it.

It never ceases to amaze me the things He does 'behind my back' that make my life go more smoothly. The thing that bothers me though is how upset I get when things don't go my way! How in the world could I think that I know better than God? Trouble is, I know I am not alone in this bizarre thinking. I realize that most of the world thinks the same way I do. Adam and Eve did. So why should I think I am any different than them?

It is the human malady I believe. Original sin? I think it is at least part of it. Arrogance, pride, hurt feelings, wounded souls, all come from this selfish way of thinking. I realize now, that this is why Yeshua came...to free me from my-self!

I have to admit I don't do a very good job yeilding to the Holy Spirit most of the time. I spend just a cursory amount of my day talking to God...I mean REALLY talking to God. Oh yes, I pray and have my standard devotions but REALLY taking the time to sit and LISTEN to God? Not much...unless things are NOT going my way. Then God gets an earful. I know that is why God gives us free will...that way we will run to HIM when things are NOT 'right' in our lives.

hmmm, I love God!

Dear Sweet Jordan~~~

November 17, 2008.

Dear Sweet Jordan,

thirty years ago today, I ended your life. It grieves my heart still to know that I did that. You are so precious to me now. I can say I wish all I want but nothing will bring you back.

Today the weather is very cold, 34 degrees. That day, it was not as cold as I remember. I don't think I wore a coat and I seem to recall the sun was shining so everything was warm. Except, of course, the rooms in the Family Planning Clinic.

In the waiting room, I was sitting next to a young woman a little older than me. She was visibly pregnant and I wondered why she was there. She told me she was a teacher and one of her students had kicked her in the stomach. She was beginning to miscarry and so she had come to finish the job.

My mother, your grandmother, was there with me and she was not comfortable and a little fidgety. I was in a kind of stupor or fog. Not really comprehending what I was about to do. I truly did not understand the horror of what was about to happen to you.

I am so sorry. I know you hurt and I allowed the doctor to cause you such pain. I know you have forgiven me. It is just hard to think about. But today is my day to relive your pain and to give you honor in the sacrifice you made for me. Thank you so much.

I am not mad at your daddy anymore. I am not sure I ever was, even though he never believed you existed. He had so much pain inside of him, he really didn't know which end was up. When I told him about you, Jordan, I could hear the sorrow in his voice as he said he was sorry. I know you forgive him, I do too.

You would really like your new daddy. He is kind and strong and is taking good care of me. You would like him and he would love you so much. Someday you will be with him in heaven. He is a wonderful man.

Yesterday, in church we sang How Great Thou Art. That song was taught to me by your great-grandmother when I was six or seven. Everytime we sing it, I feel your great-grandmother's arms. I just know you are with her. I really think your great aunt Luella is with you too. She came to grandma in a dream and told her she had a baby. Grandma told me the story and she said she thought it was you that Aunt Luella was talking about. In my mind, my grandma and Aunt Luella are taking turns loving on you! So, yesterday, when we sang the song, I felt you there too, Jordan. I love you so much.

Today, Richard and I are going to the church to light a candle in honor of you. We are going to stay and say a rosary for you too and for all the children you know who have had their lives ended before they began.

On December 6, I will be assisting the facilitators at Raphael's Way. Jordan, please ask Jesus to send the people who are ready for His touch and reconciliation. I am dedicating this particular retreat to you. I pray I do a good job in sharing your love.

Jordan, I could spend time lamenting all we have lost together. But somehow it doesn't seem appropriate. I will say, I love you with all my heart and I cannot wait to hold you.

Please pray for me and for all the women who are considering ending their children's lives through abortion.

I love you always,

Mom

Remember Messiah is Born!

I thought about this yesterday...there are only 49 more days till Christmas.

I really enjoyed Christmas last year. We had a tree, and decorated the house, and we always have an advent wreath and share the devotionals on each of the Sundays in advent. Now I never did that as a child, but it was one of the traditions of my husband's family. It has now become one of ours as a couple. I love it!

My favorite part is getting new candles to put in the wreath. I love candles and have many placed strategically in my home. I don't light them always but they bring the light of Yeshua into my home and make everything warm and cozy.

I love decorating the house too. My husband loves the blue lights and so I let him decide where to put them, inside or out. Usually they are inside in the living room and we watch TV or eat or listen to music by the snowy moonlit glow. Just thinking about it gives me a fuzzy feeling.

Our focus last year was on the Holy Family and I would like to make it more so this year. I was given many Holy Family representations last year and now I have a wonderful collection started. Adding to that collection will be my goal this year.

I am so glad God became a Man and tabernacled among us. Thank you Yeshua! Thank you Blessed Miriam for saying "Yes" to the call of God. And Thank you, Yosef for providing for the blessed mother and child. HalleluYah! The Messiah is born!

Angels among us

Psalm 103:20 Bless Yahweh, all His angels, mighty warriors
who fulfill His commands, attentive to the SOUND of His Words!

I have been reminded lately of the Power in the Word of God. To be able to add my voice to the written word brings great power and peace to my heart. And according to the above scripture it is what causes the angels of God to move to accomplish HIS will, HIS Word!

I used to be very faithful about praying the Word, but have slacked off and lost the fervor of heart that I used to have. Thankfully, God has brought to me a group of women who love HIM and HIS Word. Their love and encouragement has brought a newfound zeal for the Word. I am so grateful that these precious women have given my soul the encouragement I needed to stand up, and stand firm in my beliefs.

And so I believe, they are some of the angels among us.

Expectations Too Low

Can you risk the hope that God still has dreams for your life or that He hasn't forgotten you?

I have told God not to make me any more promises before. I am getting older and there are so many things that I would have liked to have seen or done in my life. And I have to admit, sometimes I get angry at God and wonder why I have these hopes and dreams if He is not going to fulfill them.

One of those dreams has always been to be a mom. I love children so much and I want so much to have children of my own.

God gave me that opportunity many years ago, but because of life's circumstances and my own fears I aborted that blessing. It was my decision ultimately but one made out of duress. If I could take it back, knowing what I know now, I would in a heartbeat. So now my child is in my Heavenly Father's care. Jordan Keeley is her name and I love her with all my heart.

Then I tried to make the dream come true by adopting 3 children, all full siblings, very close in age. After 2 years of love and care and psychiatrists, and doctors, and therapists, I was spent. I became physically and emotionally ill. And the final outcome was to reliquish them back to the custody of the state. This is another story that needs to be told soon, but suffice it to say trying to make things happen is not a good thing.

Just one dream of mine that I feel like I cannot risk hoping for anymore.

Lately, I was talking to the Lord about this particular dream and He told me something very precious. Every child, whose life I have touched, has been my child. I am a spiritual mother to myriads of children! What a blessing!

I am a teacher, tutor, catechist, friend, aunt...and all those children are mine spiritually. What a joy! How much better is that than just having one or two biological children? Not that I wouldn't still love to have a biological child but ... I have more children now than I could ever physically have!

So He answered that dream in a way that I wasn't expecting but that is really more fulfilling. What a GREAT Father I have! He thinks in so much broader terms than I do with my finite mind. So hope? Yes, I still hope. Think I have been forgotten or forsaken? Only when I don't see what my Abba sees.

Outrageous Requests

Today I received a devotional that gave the following scenario:

Imagine you have just been informed that you have inherited a multi-level mansion equipped with every conceivable treasure. You run up the curving brick sidewalk, throw open the massive oak doors, and excitedly run from room to room hardly believing the good fortune bequeathed to you! However, what you discover are not the surroundings fit for a queen that you expected, but sensible chambers, adequately furnished and sparsely decorated.
In the foyer, a beautifully carved winding staircase, adorned with plush crimson carpet, beckons you to climb to the next level. You consider the steps, look back over your shoulder and decide, "Hey, the lower level's enough for me. Besides, I'm afraid of heights. I'll just stay down here where it's safe."
Unbeknownst to you, the upper levels house all the treasures intended to become your inheritance, and you're standing in the servants' quarters. Upstairs awaits a golden gilded ballroom, a chandeliered dining hall, four poster beds with down filled mattresses, a safe filled with enough gold and silver to last a lifetime, and a jewelry box brimming with family heirlooms.
All that stands between you and these treasures is the staircase. What keeps you on ground level - contentment with mediocrity, lack of knowledge, or a fear of the unknown?

I love the story but I don't think I fit into any of the questions as to why I would choose to stay at ground level. My first thought was contentment. But as I continued to read the other choices I didn't fit and was mildly offended by them. I guess there are people who would not go up the stairs because of fear, or simple ignorance. BUT what about simply humility and a lack of greed? What about being satisfied with the good bestowed?

Maybe I am fooling myself. I really didn't identify with a ballroom, four poster beds. The silver and gold ... that would be nice.

Personally, I would not like to live lavishly, but comfortably. And what's so bad about the servants quarters? After all, they are "sensible chambers, adequately furnished and sparsely decorated." Yeshua did not live outrageously but LARGE. There is a difference.

I think that this "wanting more'' mindset is worldly. We are to accept what God has for us and expect Him to give us what we NEED. And often enough, He gives us what we want because of His great love for us. We can ask for our wants even as little children, but we can count on our needs being met according to His riches in Glory.

And what would be His riches in Glory? Not gold or silver, chandeliered ballrooms, and four poster beds, but love, joy, peace, gentleness, goodness, kindness, faith, self-control, mercy, forgiveness, and eternal life!

So, my outrageous requests would be:
1. more real abiding peace in my soul
2. more of Him and less of me
3. those comfortable, adequate servant's quarters because that is what I am. While I am on this earth, I am His servant-daughter. When I stand before Him in Glory then...I will have all the riches of heaven.

I mean really! If I got everything I wanted here, what would I have to look forward to in Heaven?

I want it ALL

I once told God, "don't make me any more promises and I will never be disappointed." I was crying about something and thought God had not heard my prayers. So I told Him I would never ask HIM for anything again and for Him to keep His promises to Himself.

Ha! I was so naive! The promises of God are all in His Word and He can never take them back! He promises us, abundant joy, His resurrection, we are healed by the stripes that Yeshua bore in His body. We are promised, long life, prosperous days, a solid and sure future.

We are also promised persecution, trials, tribulation, weakness, suffering, pain, want, need ...

So often we forget the "bad" promises. We get angry with God because things are not going 'our way.' Or we find ourselves with some sort of sickness or grief. These too are promised by God. Without them, we would not become LIKE HIM!

People of the "WORD" culture, would make us believe that we can have anything we ask for. And although this is true, they neglect to remind us that the things we ask for come with a price. The greater the miracle the higher the price.

Yes, Yeshua paid our SIN debt, but everything else comes with dying to ourselves...which for most of us is a HIGH price to pay. We must accept God's will in EVERY circumstance to win the victory He has given us in Messiah.

BUT, oh how sweet the Victory, when we have shared in Messiah's suffering!

I forget, do you?

I was reminded by an email devotion this morning, that the universe does NOT revolve around me. There is a whole world that goes on around me. Other people and their lives that I don't know about. And yet...I am so arrogant to think that what happens to me matters to anyone else.

There is a heavenly realm that is active and moving and growing that I seldom really grasp. I am so temporal, thinking of only those things that are seen and most of the time forgetting the unseen world of the Spirit. Arrogant? Yes. Thankful and in awe when I am reminded? More than I can comprehend.

I have an atheist friend who doesn't believe a spiritual plane exists at all. Everything is science and logic. It makes me sad. I pray that the joy of knowing God will one day be part of this person's experience.

But what I am beginning to understand is that if I do not stop and take notice of the moving of the Spirit of God in and around me, my existance is no better than my friend's! Wow! That is an eyeopener!

So the challenge is to ask myself throughout the day, ''Am I acknowledging God's presence or am I running on human soul power?" Just taking the time to stop and say "Thank you Lord." That is evidence of my belief in a power greater than myself.

I sometimes forget to say 'thanks.' Do you?

Precious 10

Ten of my most prized possessions. hmmm....

Not sure I can do this but I am going to try. I have to stipulate, these are in no particular order.

1. Tea set given to me by my grandmother when I was 5 years old
2. Earrings and pendant given to me by my mother
3. My wedding ring
4. The Life Book given to me and made by my mom
5. My wedding video and album
6. ...
7. ...
8. ...
9. ...
10. ...

Now, if all those things were lost, stolen, burned, or destroyed in some way, how would that effect me in light of eternity? It wouldn't.

Oh, don't get me wrong I would be devastated and grieve immensely but I would be so grateful that my loved ones were okay.

There is nothing so important in this life that I would want to lose my eternal life with Yeshua.

This was good for my soul. How did you fare?

Time....

Peace and quiet. Time with God. Time to renew my soul and learn to rest on Him.

Deep breaths. Slowly moving thoughts weaving in and out of my mind and heart. A quiet conversation with my maker about the upcoming events of the day.

Asking, seeking, for the important things. Trying to prioritize. Looking for serenity and wisdom for the day.

Oh, how I love this time alone with HIM. Sometimes I sing. Sometimes I voice my prayers. But most of the time I just sit and listen to the quiet and feel His love and comfort.

<<<>>>>

Time a precious gift spent with the King of Kings, my Abba!

What next?

Patience is the word this morning. I believe that is what the Lord is doing with me right now. It is not easy but I am loving it.

Having a couple of new residents in our home has been very interesting. One is a family member and one is the friend of the family member. The family member was invited, the friend...an unexpected surprise.

I have to admit things were a little touch-and-go for the first few days. But now we have settled into a nice semi-routine. And since I have let go of my 'need to control everything,' the tension in the house has subsided.

I have had to really seek the Lord for the patience and understanding necessary to keep myself from drowning in selfishness. My, my, I can be so selfish. I pray God continues to work on me and give me the grace to overcome my self-centered behavior.

Patience. I love it!

Wow!

It has been a bit since I wrote...and today, this evening I feel the need to ramble a bit. So maybe this will make sense, maybe it won't.

Life is definitely not orchestrated by me. If so, things would go very smoothly and I would never have any worries or concerns. Everything I wanted would come to pass and no one would be mad at me or upset with each other. Life would be wonderful! AND boring!

I guess what I am learning most, is the lack of control that I really have and honestly...it is humbling. I am self-centered enough to think that my opinion matters and that people should act on my advice because... of course, I am right! Right? NOT!

I am also, becoming keenly aware that others are having as bad a time, if not worse than me. I have so many things to be thankful for, and I am. I am so grateful for the awesome husband God has chosen for me. What a blessing! The friends...true friends that I have are an amazing boost to my heart and mind. What would I do without you. And my family. Oh how I love them, dysfunctional though they are. If only they knew how much I ache for them. But that is another blog posting all its own.

So yes, I am thankful and grateful for the blessings of God.

But....

My musing this evening is: How does God see me? Oh, I know the standard answer "God Loves You" and that is true, but really...How does God see me?

A lot of references in my life lately have been about the church Laodicea in Revelation three. It is the last of the 7 churches...and I know that is significant but that too, is for another blog post. The comments by the Master Yahshua to the other churches are prefaced with encouragement. The church of Laodicea begins and ends with a rebuke. He is NOT happy with the church. Too materialistic for your own good and LUKEWARM towards the Savior. Neither Hot nor Cold. His admonishment is to return to HIM...look for HIM...invite HIM in...Otherwise He will spit you out of His mouth.

Wow!

I am beginning to sense a real move in my life and in the life of the body of Messiah. He, the Master Yahshua, is calling me to a greater intimacy with HIM. Not to put it off or I will be caught unaware when He returns for the Bride.

I have to agree with HIM concerning my spiritual state...(first off He is God!) and I know, and have known for a long time that my heart and mind crave HIM but the things, cares, and worries of this world are distracting me from running after the shepherd of my soul.

I will end with the words to a song that I wrote many years ago.

The bridegroom:

Oh, my dove

that art in the cleft of the rock

in the secret places of the stair.

Let me see

thy countenance,

let me hear thy voice for sweet is thy voice.

The bride:

I hear your voice

at the window of my heart

saying "Come away with me.

Make a brand new start"

I hear your voice at the window my heart

saying "Come away with me.

Make a brand new start."

Purity of Heart

'Guard your eyes that they may not look upon anything contrary to purity; your ears, that they may not listen to evil conversation; your mind, by banishing from it all suggestive thoughts; your heart, by stifling impure desires at their very birth.'
St. John Baptist de la Salle"

I don't know about you, but in this day and age of technology, this is an almost impossible task. I guess you would have to be a hermit or in a cloistered situation. Most people have TV of some sort whether local, cable, or satellite. And, of course, where would we be without the internet superhighway!? MP3 players, cell phones...the list goes on.

Noise, noise, noise everywhere. It is almost inescapable. Maybe that is why the Lord tells us to go into our 'closet' and pray! Even then our minds are racing with all the things we have to do, the appointments we must keep, the concerns we have for our loved ones. It is never-ending!

In Psalm 46:10 the Lord bids us; BE STILL and know that I am God. Achieving 'stillness' in our heart and mind takes work. We have to PLAN it into our day. The assaults on our senses have to be silenced and that takes effort on our part. But it is definitely worth it.

On my 'vision board' I have posted FIT CHOICES. This is a list of goals that I try to achieve daily. Now mind you I am not always successful but here is the list:
1. BE STILL
2. Move on purpose -- meaning, don't just sit around on your duff. Get some exercise of some sort. Most days I fall woefully short on this one. hmmm perhaps this would be the day to make this a focus item.
3. Eat 'consciously' - I know that sounds weird, but here's the thing. Most of us are gluttons and we are not aware of it. By glutton I mean, simply overeaters. We don't really pay attention to the food we put in our mouths at all opportunities and occasions. The family dinner table is almost obsolete as we opt for sitting in front of the TV or the computer. That leads to not being aware of what and how much we eat. And so we overeat. So, I have put that on my list of daily goals to remind myself: turn off the computer (we don't have tv), and sit at the table to eat.
4. HAVE FUN! Do something you enjoy doing every day. Laugh. Tickle someone. Read a book. Just do something that makes life enjoyable and not so serious.

And so I know you are wondering...where is she going with this? And what does any of this have to do with purity of heart?

My first goal for each day is to BE STILL. Spend some time with Jesus. My favorite part of the day and the part of the day that ALWAYS gets done. It is the one spiritual goal I have on a daily basis. The rest are temporal and affect the quality of my physical life, but spending time with Jesus is the most important part of my life.

I step all over people's toes, and wound their tender sensibilities most of the time. I don't mean to. It is definitely not intentional. I do this because of the NOISE of the world and it's temptations. I am human and I fall prey to "disordered bodily desires, disordered desires of the eyes, pride in possession"** just like everyone else.

And so, in the quiet space of my life when I am alone with Jesus, I find strength to be a little more aware of the world and its pleasures. He gives me strength to overcome these earthly sins so that my heart is made more and more pure in HIS eyes. And after all He is who I am living for.

**I John 2:16 New Jerusalem Bible

Chastity

Septmeber 10, 2008
Chastity"If you wish to prevent evil thoughts, let your eyes be modestly reserved, and make a league with them never to look upon anything which is not permitted you to desire."St. Gregory of Nyssa
For Reflection: St. Gregory of Nyssa recommends taking "custody of the eyes." What does this mean? To what extent do I take in through the senses that which is morally illicit - especially regarding chastity? How can I best follow St. Gregory's advice?

Custody of the eyes...

I was once given custody of a 14 year old girl. I was her legal guardian for a period of 3-5 months while her mother found suitable living arrangements. I had known her since she was a twinkle in her father's eye. Her mother and I were best friends.

It was my job to make sure she was sheltered, clothed, and fed. I was to protect and care for her just as her mother would have done. I was to make decisions and guide her with the love of her mother. And so I did.

Was it easy? No way! Did we have our times of unrest and disagreements...you betcha! Was she rebellious and stubborn at times! Of course, what teenager isn't?

And so it is with my "eyes" -- my natural inclinations. I have a choice. I can let my "eyes" wander where they will or I can take charge of them and shelter, feed, clothe, guard, and guide them to the ways of the Lord.

It is my choice...Or is it? When I gave my heart and life to Jesus, I became HIS! My life is not my own I belong to HIM. So the choice is not really mine except to turn to the Holy Spirit when I am tempted to stray.

Chastity is a word that we usually use to describe the life of a virgin. But with the Lord we are all virgins and our lives are to be chaste, modest, and totally absorbed in HIM, by our choice. Are we rebellious and stubborn...most of the time for me! But when I do rely on HIM and turn to HIM when I am tempted, HE is always there to take CUSTODY of me.

Praise be to HIS glorious Name!

Holy Spirit Hover

we were, indeed, confused, empty, in darkness, and buried in sin. But the Holy Spirit was "hovering" over us



How lovely a thought is that? Before we acknowledge Yeshua and begin to try to walk in the ways of God, the Holy Spirit; the Ruach Ha Kodesh...the Holy Breath of God HOVERS over us.



I just love that word HOVER. It brings to mind the way a mother watches her newborn sleep in the crib. Just watching with love so overwhelming that she cannot take her eyes away from the miracle at rest. Lovingly, making plans for the child's life. Imagining what they will grow to be and seeing a wonderful, bright future for this tiny bundle of helplessness.



And in a moment, the mother vows, to battle to the death, anyone or anything that would try to harm this precious little life! A fierce love that can turn on a dime from sweetness and life to turbulent fury. Woe to the culprit who comes against this child!



And then, at the slightest sigh from the infant, her reverie is broken and her focus returns to the caring, compassionate gaze that held her there in the first place.



And such is our GOD!



He sees us in our helplessness and need and sends the comforter to console us and let us know...He Hovers Over Us.



Blessed Be He!