I feel like writing today but I don’t know what to write. I have alot of things swirling around in my mind but they are just tidbits of several topics. Not one real subject comes to the forefront. So I guess that is why I have a headache. Or maybe it is because I am trying to function without my glasses. Well, whatever it is... it is making my head hurt.
I woke this morning ahead of the alarm clock. I don’t really mind when that happens, it just makes my day longer. I had alot of things on my mind even then and it occurred to me that I had been telling other people about my woes but had not taken them to the Almighty. Phfttt. Silly me! He ultimately is my source and yet this one topic is something that I have never really put into His hands. But it is the one thing that plagues me the most in my life.... MONEY.
I hate money. But all the “experts” say that we should love money so that it will come to us. Yeah well, I have a hard time wrapping my head around that. Money, to me is a necessary evil. Meaning, you can’t live without it. Of course, we all know that nothing is free, but wouldn’t it be a lot less worrisome if it were. I mean really. Most of all stresses in a marriage and in life in general revolve around money and our selfish desires. We stress if we don’t have the money to buy the things that will give us pleasure. And it is the same for me.
I have enough money to sustain me. Yes, it may not be the amount I want so that I can have all the comforts I want. But on a pure sustenance level, I have enough.
When it gets stressful is when I want to do something, or eat somewhere special, or celebrate a special occasion and I don’t have the EXTRA finances to do ALL that I want....that is when I stress. How silly of me! Even writing this down it sounds so crazy. Why do I worry and fret over things that have nothing to do with my overall well-being? Isn’t the Holy One and my relationship with Him enough? That should be all that I desire. Now of course, this is my opinion and in no way a reflection on anyone else’s beliefs.
We worship at a congregation that is a 2 hour drive, one-way, from our home. We love our congregation and the High Holy Days are approaching. Now this means, ideally, we would be going to our worship services multiple times and enjoying the service and fellowship more than just our usual twice a month. BUT... we live too far away, the gas alone will be expensive and some of the services are night events and so that would either mean travelling home in the dark for 2 hours or spending money to stay in a hotel somewhere.
We haven’t been going to this congregation for long enough to have established friendships that we would feel comfortable asking if we could stay with them overnight. So... We will have to miss most of the gatherings. Which is heartbreaking to me. I know God sees my heart and knows my desires but “I” want to do what “I” want to do...and financially it is just not feasible.
So, am I pouting? Yes, I guess I am. Ugh! I hate when I act like a spoiled brat. I am so grateful that the Holy One (Blessed be He!) is so forgiving and kind and really wants to be a Father to us.
I will look for ways to make all this happen but for right now I just have to be patient and realize that I am not in charge...never have been and never will be. I am so glad I am not, really... I am thankful that the King of the Universe loves me and counts me as His daughter. Yep, my mother used to remind me.... “You are a daughter of the King.”
So, perhaps instead of grousing.. I should find ways that I can bring the feast days into my home! Now that is an endeavor that I will take to heart. I better get busy... I only have a few more days! Yikes! :-)
I will keep you apprised of what I find out... Maybe even with pictures or video.Shalom!