Hyper-Vigilance

Once  again life at the Morris house has taken another turn.  One thing about life that I have learned in the past year is, do not take the present moment for granted.  Life is full of changes and Change is the NORM!  
I want so badly to be settled but I don't believe that will be an experience I will ever have.  That could be a good thing.  Not having a regular routine keeps me living in the moment.  AND I do not get complacent.  I don't have that luxury!  
Now that I am in a new place, a new town, and a completely different financial situation... I find my self in a place of re-creation.  
I recently told someone... necessity is the mother of invention.  I know someone else coined the phrase but I never felt it had much relevance to me...until NOW!  
I am searching for more ways to make money and survive or even excel from my present circumstances.  It causes me to think outside the box.  And it keeps me in a constant hyper-vigilant state of mind.  All of this equals -- STRESS!
Now I truly value all the constants in my life.  I am so grateful for family and friends and especially the man in my life.  Without him... I would be terribly off-balance.
I know this is not new to most people but somehow I had to get this out of my system.  Thanks for reading... See ya on the flip-side. :-)

Self-Sabotage

Good morning my friends.  I am feeling "green" this morning.   

Lately, dh (dear husband) and I are experimenting with our diet.  Now even as I write this, it resonates in my spirit... it is a "trying to push the edge of the envelope" attitude.  How much can I eat of my old foods and still keep my blood glucose numbers down? There is that, I still want it my way, rebellious attitude.  This is why I don't succeed on "diets."  It is basically, cheating!  Why do I do this?  I don't know.  Seriously.  

I know what is good for my body and yet I constantly "reward" myself with destructive things.  Okay, I guess I should explain.

Recently, we came upon the Rawtill4 way of eating.  So, we decided that we would try this as a transition way of eating, before going completely Raw.  For me it is a comfort thing.  Something about having a warm meal in the evening is comforting.  I need to find a better substitute for relaxing and winding down, instead of using food.   We did really good and were absolutely "clean" for ONE day.  I was so proud of us!   

We are running close to the end of the pay period and finances, so we don't have the variety of food that we had in the beginning.  So our food selection yesterday was a tad limited.  But instead of using the money we do have on good clean food, we bought junk instead.  Yes, you read that correctly...

It started with a cheat of cooked food at 2 pm instead of waiting till 4 pm.  I had some left over baked potatoes from the night before and tomatoe soup.  That doesn't seem so bad right?  I knew I was not supposed to have raw food after cooked food so....  I had chips and candy.  Yes!  

You got it!  I went on a binge.  I set myself up for failure.  So, once again I wasted money and my health on a bag of chips and candy instead of getting the things we need for more variety.  Granted, it wasn't that much money, but my blood glucose number reflected the binge.  

I think it was Kristina Carrillo-Bucaram that said, "You are eating today, for tomorrow."  Well, she was definitely right. Today is my tomorrow, and I can tell by how I feel and the numbers on my glucometer that I cheated yesterday.

I would like to say, "I have learned my lesson," but I know that is not the last time I will fall off the wagon.  I know that I need to be prepared and plan my eating, the night before, for the next day.  I need to get to the root of why I do this to myself.  I have seen too many amazing changes to turn back now and it has only been a couple of weeks since we started this journey.

Our life is truly in transition now.  Not just with the food but also, socially and spiritually.  We are about to move to a less expensive home.  We are making some religious changes, too.  We just moved to this little town 6 months ago and "I" am still trying to get acclimated.  I am striving to get out and be more sociable.  AND we are changing our food choices!  This is a lot to take on at one time.  But all of our lives are crazy busy like this.  We are constantly changing.  I just want to be changing for the better.

So, today is a new day.  I commit to One Day at a Time.  Today is the only day I have right now.  This minute is the minute God has given me and I desire to make good, healthy choices for me and my body.  

If you have these same struggles, it would be helpful if you could share some of your thoughts and tips for overcoming these temptations. And, what are some good substitutions for "winding down" at the end of the day, besides eating "comfort foods?"  

Please leave your suggestions and encouraging comments below.  

hugs and blessings!

Better Today than Yesterday

A few days before October first, hubby and I decided that we would embark upon a more healthy lifestyle.  At first, I found a video by Fully Raw Kristina, giving her testimony of her healing from hypoglycemia by eating raw foods.  I thought this was a gift from the Father to me.  I had never heard a testimony of someone so like me that was cured by simply eating healthy.  So we tried going completely raw and  I lasted until about supper time.  Then I was a goner.  But by the next day most of my neuropathy symptoms had begun to lessen.  So, we continued eating mostly raw until I saw Dr. Barnard was starting his 21-Day Kickstart.

Next we decided we were going to try Dr. Neal Barnard’s 21 day Kickstart.  After one day of adding in beans and grains and cooked food...my symptoms began to return and I just didn’t feel good.  So, we scrapped that idea.  

I have been following Kristina Carrillo-Bucaram and Megan Elizabeth for a good 6 months to a year now, on YouTube.  I love their videos and I think they are the picture of health.  I love that Megan is a rock climber and Kristina’s smile just lights up the screen.  I have been trying to add more fruits and veggies into my diet for some time.  I even tried the 21 day Reboot with Joe Cross, from Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead.  But nothing seemed to “fit” for me.

For the last 9 days I have been eating mostly bananas as Freelee suggests, and frankly I am getting quite tired of bananas...although I still love them.  I have been eating other things as well, not just bananas.  

I began reading Dr. Douglas Graham’s book The 80/10/10 Diet .  It is chock full of excellent information and I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in a raw vegan lifestyle.  It explains the reasoning and the science behind the raw food diet, in layman’s terms.  Easy quick read.

The other day I stumbled upon Freelee’s interview with her mom talking about Rawtill4.  Her mom has been eating all raw until 4PM and then having a high carb cooked meal with a salad for supper.  That sounds more like something that is doable for me.  There is just something about having a warm meal at supper time that is so appealing and comforting.  So, we have begun doing that.  

Today, by the grace of God, I stumbled upon Angela Stokes-Monarch’s testimony.  I cried through most of it.  While she was talking, it was as if she was reading my mail.  She was talking about me.  Her story sounds so like mine.  I could not believe it.  I would love to talk with her in person.  

After listening to her journey, I have found mine.  It took her 2 years to go completely raw and to lose 160 pounds.  Her story resonated in my soul and the biggest thing I heard was, be kind to yourself and begin with baby steps.  Don’t beat yourself up for not doing it perfectly …. Just be better today than you were yesterday.  

And so, I am content.  I am better today than I was yesterday.  I am making awesome changes. I am seeing a difference in my energy, my pain level, and just my overall attitude and outlook on life.  So, I will be recording my journey.  I pray you will come along with me.

Changing

I made a commitment Sept. 1, 2013 that I was going to do this, once and for all. I realized that every time I start on a weight loss journey, I give up. I let go of all that I have accomplished and go back to really bad habits. Sunday, I finally decided, enough is enough. I cannot live like this. I have become a virtual hermit. AND THAT IS NOT ME! 

In my mind I am an active, healthy, fun, and loving person. In my daily life.... NOT so much! I want the inner me to shine on the outside. It is so frustrating to watch life pass me by. I am sitting on the sidelines and I want in the game. So.... Change is Coming! 

The last few days I have watched my calorie intake, and DONE some sort of activity. I am feeling better about me and I am noticing changes in my body's ability to move! I am taking care of me. 

I know this poundage won't come off over night. That's okay. I have resolved that every day I am going to do a little more and make better food choices. Eventually, I will reach my ultimate goal--a happy, healthy, out-going ME! The REAL me! 

Yep! Change is happening and More Change is Coming. 

Honestly

I don’t like conflict.  I guess no one really does.  But especially between people I love.  

Now, I don’t really mind if people disagree with me.  I used to but not anymore.  Everyone has to live their own lives and walk their own paths.  My path is definitely suited for me.  I don’t expect anyone to walk my journey.

What I don’t understand is why we human beings feel that we can direct someone else’s path?  I do it, and so does everyone else in my life.  It is not meant to be hurtful, it is just that we are all so utterly aware of our shortcomings that we try to make ourselves feel better by pointing out the frailties of those around us.  I don’t think it is a conscious thing.  I think we do it as a reflex.  I know that I feel it is much less painful to “help” someone else than to work on myself! :-)  

Lately, I am trying to be brutally honest with myself.  It is not easy and does not feel good.  And I am not saying that I am making any significant changes as a result.  BUT I am trying to confront the demons in my life.  

I am finding that they (the demons) are not as big and scary as I thought they were.  I may just have the courage to take them on head-to-head.  With the support and encouragement of those I love, I will be able to do that.  

I know that even writing this, some will find this offensive.  It really is not directed at anyone.  I am just thinking out loud.  Maybe I should keep my thoughts to myself.  I guess I could, but I want people to know that I struggle with this “finger-pointing” every day.  I do it, I know I do.  It is part of the brutally honest inventory that I am making.   I just want others to know… I am so sorry and I do not intend to hurt anyone.

I want to say, “Thank you.” Thank you for all the times you have been honest with me and I was offended.  It did me good.  Please, continue to be honest with me.  I need it.

Making the Best....

I feel like writing today but I don’t know what to write.  I have alot of things swirling around in my mind but they are just tidbits of several topics.  Not one real subject comes to the forefront.  So I guess that is why I have a headache.  Or maybe it is because I am trying to function without my glasses.  Well, whatever it is... it is making my head hurt.

I woke this morning ahead of the alarm clock.  I don’t really mind when that happens, it just makes my day longer.  I had alot of things on my mind even then and it occurred to me that I had been telling other people about my woes but had not taken them to the Almighty.  Phfttt.  Silly me!  He ultimately is my source and yet this one topic is something that I have never really put into His hands.  But it is the one thing that plagues me the most in my life.... MONEY.  

I hate money.  But all the “experts” say that we should love money so that it will come to us.  Yeah well, I have a hard time wrapping my head around that.  Money, to me is a necessary evil.  Meaning, you can’t live without it.  Of course, we all know that nothing is free, but wouldn’t it be a lot less worrisome if it were.  I mean really.  Most of all stresses in a marriage and in life in general revolve around money and our selfish desires.   We stress if we don’t have the money to buy the things that will give us pleasure.  And it is the same for me.  

I have enough money to sustain me.  Yes, it may not be the amount I want so that I can have all the comforts I want.  But on a pure sustenance level, I have enough.

When it gets stressful is when I want to do something, or eat somewhere special, or celebrate a special occasion and I don’t have the EXTRA finances to do ALL that I want....that is when I stress.  How silly of me! Even writing this down it sounds so crazy.  Why do I worry and fret over things that have nothing to do with my overall well-being?  Isn’t the Holy One and my relationship with Him enough?  That should be all that I desire.  Now of course, this is my opinion and in no way a reflection on anyone else’s beliefs.

We worship at a congregation that is a 2 hour drive, one-way, from our home.  We love our congregation and the High Holy Days are approaching.  Now this means, ideally, we would be going to our worship services multiple times and enjoying the service and fellowship more than just our usual twice a month.  BUT... we live too far away, the gas alone will be expensive and some of the services are night events and so that would either mean travelling home in the dark for 2 hours or spending money to stay in a hotel somewhere.  

We haven’t been going to this congregation for long enough to have established friendships that we would feel comfortable asking if we could stay with them overnight.  So... We will have to miss most of the gatherings.  Which is heartbreaking to me. I know God sees my heart and knows my desires but “I” want to do what “I” want to do...and financially it is just not feasible.  

So, am I pouting?  Yes, I guess I am.  Ugh!  I hate when I act like a spoiled brat.  I am so grateful that the Holy One (Blessed be He!) is so forgiving and kind and really wants to be a Father to us.

I will look for ways to make all this happen but for right now I just have to be patient and realize that I am not in charge...never have been and never will be.  I am so glad I am not, really... I am thankful that the King of the Universe loves me and counts me as His daughter.  Yep, my mother used to remind me.... “You are a daughter of the King.”    

So, perhaps instead of grousing.. I should find ways that I can bring the feast days into my home!  Now that is an endeavor that I will take to heart.  I better get busy... I only have a few more days!  Yikes! :-)

I will keep you apprised of what I find out... Maybe even with pictures or video.

Shalom!

Day 1 - Do you...?

Ask yourself: Do you believe that self-transformation is truly possible? Do you want to change?  Are you prepared to resolve to do so?

The above questions come from a 60 Day devotional that I receive in my email.  The 60 Days are in preparation and celebration of the upcoming Jewish High Holy Days.  The first 30 days are days of repentance and returning to the Lord in order to truly appreciate the celebration of the Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and Sukkot.  I am a little behind in the devotionals, but I think beginning today is fortuitous.

Today I begin my health reboot.  It is a 10 day "program" of both raw and cooked vegetables and fruits along with "smoothies" or "juices" to be included throughout the day. Now I have done this before and then at the 'end' of the prescribed time, promptly returned to my old ways of eating.  

So, in answer to the questions above: 
I do believe transformation is possible.  I believe that with the sacredness of these 60 Days that I will have a little extra help from above to make a true transformation.

I do want to change.  I want to change the way I live, the way I relate to others, the way I approach life in general.  I want to change my health and I want to basically LIVE.

Am I prepared to resolve to do all of this transforming?  I can only say that I am as prepared today FOR TODAY as I can be.  I know that I resolve to make tomorrow better than today as well.  So, yes, I would have to say I am prepared to resolve to make this transformation.  

As the days go on, I will continue to update my progress.  I will record both the good and the not-so-good.  I don't want to call it "bad," because I don't believe mis-steps in a process are "bad."  They are simply, bumps in the road to the goal.  I pray there are few bumps and mostly smooth sailing from here.  

Shalom for today.

Courage to Change

A third round of antibiotics!  NOT good.  So tired of being tired.  The doctor took a look at the wound on my breast and said..."Nope, that should be completely gone by now."

Frankly, I agree with her.  I don't want to go to that dark place of "what if?"  So I am trying to think positively.  I actually am not making a judgement at all.  

It is times like these when I KNOW I am not in control.  I have to depend on the Almighty and Eternal One to see me through whatever comes.  I know He loves me and only wants the best for me.  It is ME that is the problem.  

I realize that I have not been good to my body at all.  I have abused it horribly with food and lack of exercise.  This is what I have sown and so I must reap that which I have sown.  I must depend upon His mercy for forgiveness and His grace to face the consequences of my actions with courage and dependence on Him.  

The prayer I find myself saying is the Serenity Prayer.  Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

So, there are going to be some changes made.  Stay tuned.

Quiet

The last couple of days have been very quiet around here.  Nothing much going on really.  Hot, humid, no rain. 

Monday I had a doctor's appointment to have some blood drawn.  My thyroid is way out of whack and so we are trying to get the medicine adjusted so my thyroid starts working correctly.  I also, have an open wound that I wanted the doctor to look at.  Turns out that I was prescribed antibiotics (which I hate) and she wants to see me again next week.  

It appears that the antibiotics are working because I can see some healing but....I have been feeling horrible due to the medicine.  I have had to post-pone some of my online students.  It has been hard.  Hopefully, Thursday things will be better and I won't have to do anything further.  If it is not to the doctor's liking then I will have to have a mammogram.
Now this is not good news.  However, I will keep praying.  I know that Hashem has everything under control.

Big hugs to all and more later.

Total Upset

Well, this will just be a quick note update our status.
#1  We did NOT get on the train and move to Missouri.... very, very long story and many tears shed.
#2 We DID move though.  We moved in with my father in La Grange, Texas.  We spent a wonderful 6 months with him.  So thankful for all he did for us and the love and support he gave us....without condemnation and "I told you sos."   During this time my mother died.  May her memory be blessed.  Very difficult for all of us.  But so grateful that her pain is over.  Thank You Hashem.
#3 We MOVED once again, in April to Center, TX.  Richard is the radio news director for Center Broadcasting Company and has ventured into the sales aspect as well.   We love it here.
#4  And finally the shocker. Most of people consider us Jewish...now we are making it official.  We have found a wonderful synagogue in Tyler and we are becoming Jewish by Choice.  It is a year-long process and we are just beginning.  So this blog will contain many things that we are learning as we take this awesome journey.  The next blog with be the story of how we came to this place.

If you comment, please be kind.  Your opinion is important, but we have made up our minds and are firmly planted on this pathway.  If you think we are headed in the wrong direction, PLEASE PRAY.  We are always talking to the Father to determine our steps....so if we are "wrong" He will show us.  As always you will be in our prayers.

More later... blessings in Hashem, Baruch Hu!